From: "Mark Cantin" 
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 1996 17:46:07 GMT
This is a cheap advertisement to invite you all to PurpleWorld, located in the middle of a cornfield in the Land of Corn, USA! Fun and thrills for the whole family! You can:
  • Ride the PurpleCoaster--full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and a few stretches where nothing happens at all! Get off and on as often as you like!
  • Dress in black and scowl!
  • Smash expensive guitars, TV cameras, and use dangerous combinations of explosives to blow up amps in the Senseless Destruction arcade!
  • Fire our staff for no good reason! Abuse them, anyway!
  • Don't forget the "Spaghetti-Toss" room--slop your favorite singer!
  • Visit the "Drunk and Naked Singer" room, and make a spectacle of yourself! Have sex under the Giant Piano! Ruin your voice with gallons of beer and scotch and cartons of Camel straights ( available if your manager allows you an advance on future royalties)! Forget lyrics you wrote! Screech til you're hoarse, and sing embarrassingly out of tune and get paid for it!
  • Do our House of RecycledRiffRipoff, and claim you wrote every song without getting credit! Even front your own bogus band and tour our grounds (we are not liable for lawsuits in which you lose all you really DID do)!
  • Crash a BumperPorsche, claim you're a famous guitar player!
  • Turn vicious killer classics into bouncy sing-alongs!
  • Get your hair lacquered after grabbing a VanderGraff generator, dress in leather and studs, put a salami in your pants, have your lips injected with silicon for that "pouty"look, claim you're in Hairsnake. Mumble/whine/moan things like "baby, I love your tits", drive babes wild!
  • Enter the House of Blackheart--a ride full of terror--if you dare! (This is usually a short ride with a long exit line guaranteed to turn your hair white and reduce your self-esteem to shambles!)
  • Hang out with Ian the Clown!
  • Enter our branch of the Betty ford Clinic at the end!
  • For reservations, call Little Ian the Ticket-Taker at 555-DPDP. Cost? Err, how much you got?

    Dave Hodgkinson
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