FROM THE DESK OF RITCHIE BLACKHEART
Subject: Blackheart
From: Mark Cantin
Date: 1996/03/20
Message-ID: <6CDA0F91328@befac.indstate.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.music.deep-purple
FROM THE DESK OF RITCHIE BLACKHEART
THINGS TO DO TODAY:
1. Award Yuri the Croix de Blackheart for his support and
subterfuge*
2. Stalk Louie. God, I love this babe!
3. Change my email address. They're onto the RBIG/Debbie thing.
4. Complain that the Communion wine is not chilled properly, dump
the whole tray on the priest.
5. Buy new eyeliner pencil to draw on mustache. Or a Magic Marker
for a bushier effect.
6. Pay the trailer park manager Mum's rent.
7. Rent "Dawn of the Dead"--cheer for my relatives, the
zombies. Fantasize the carnage as what I would like to do to DP.
8. Call JL a "grumpy old man".
9. Dip frogs in liquid nitrogen, and play "frog-toss" with Candice.
Loser is the one who drops it.
10. Ala Kermit the Frog, have ping-pong ball eye-implants to give me
more of a wild, malevolent stare.
11. Lay claim for authorship of the Glenn Hughes catalog.
12. Mail my dues to Lennart et al. for the GH fan club.
13. Buy a Les Paul. NOT!!!
13. Grow a few inches, or buy the "Ian Paice Elevator Shoes".
14. Polish my scales--not the musical ones, but the ones on my back.
15. Refuse to play the outdoor concert until nightfall. They should
know that sunlight is detrimental to my species.
16. Sue "Bastard Magazine" again. I mean, Man of the Year for 10
years running? It should be 20 at least!
17. Fire Otto Poulson and Henry Sobieski for the hell of it.
18. Teach Clapton guitar.
19. Regardless of what DP claims, I know that matchstick on _|_ is a
representation of me--a stylized decapitation. In rebuttal, my next
album cover will feature a dog taking a dump on a box of broken
kitchen matches.
20. Force Baby Blackmore to give that friggin' Land of Corn guy his
entire collection.
21. Market vials of my sweat for the Faithful.
22. Claim I'm from Seattle to boost my sales.
23. Join the "Friends of TV Cameramen Society".
24. Put "Nair" in Satch's shampoo.
25. Saw grooves to weaken crutch legs in Old Folks Home.
26. Invite Geoff Denyer backstage to get sloppy drunk with me, give
him an autographed Strat (smashed).
Hell, Alex G., Brad D.M., John N., Stathis, Trond, Dave H., Svante,
Sara, Barb, Walid, Thorsten, Rob P., Stephen T., Garry S.,
Heikki, Alasdair, Jeff R., Wolf, Ram, Capt. TH, Euan, and Mike too.
But they buy the beer. Good beer. Budweiser, preferably. COLD Bud.
God's beer. This way I can show I'm not a monster, only
"misunderstood".
27. Contact the Mothership for further instructions.
28. Fire Rainbow.
29. Smash a Strat.
*--just a joke, Yuri, honest!
DIRECT ALL LAWSUITS TO MY ASSISTANT, SARA GEOGODDESS!
IAN GALLONS THREATENED ME WITH AN EMPTY RIPPLE BOTTLE
TO DO THIS!!!! IAN PAYS THREATENED TO KICK MY BUTT AFTER
HE CLIMBED UP A LADDER TO DO IT!! (It's a joke, folks!)
-----
Subject: Blackheart Easter
From: Mark Cantin
Date: 1996/04/06
Message-ID: <86FECAA487D@befac.indstate.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.music.deep-purple
FROM THE DESK OF RITCHIE BLACKHEART
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1. Set out bear trap for Easter Bunny. Have Security goons thrash
him. Strap him to my old Marshall cabinets,
and blast awat 'til his little fuzzy brain liquifies.
Club him with Strat 'til one or the other breaks.
This is payback, Easter Bunny....oh yes, you know what I mean....
payback for all those years you never visited me in my childhood...
Er,
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!!!!
"MIKEKEO" , "PATMAC", AND JEFF R. MADE ME WRITE
THIS!!!!!! I'M NOT *THIS* SICK!!!!
----
Subject: More Blackheart
From: "Mark Cantin"
Date: 1996/09/13
Message-ID: <924A0C4115@befac.indstate.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.music.deep-purple
FROM THE DESK OF RITCHIE BLACKHEART
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1. Visit Mom in Intensive Care Unit, pinch off her IV, watch her do
the "fish flop".
2. Get backstage to a DP gig, take a leak in the coffee pot.
3. Patent new video game, "Drown the Kitten".
4. Do NOT flush another firecracker down a Valujet john.
5. Cover a Pat Boone tune. Guest on another Helen Reddy album.
6. Laugh at JLT dressed as a clown drumming up business outside of Taco Bell.
7. Buy razor blades for Halloween candy.
8. Take my dog, Gillan, for a walk--leashed to my speeding Porsche.
9. Study my native culture, Klingon.
10. Eat human flesh.
11. Plant kiddy porn and drugs in Gallon's car, call cops.
12. Steal orphanage milk delivery. Cheat Girl Scout out of cookie
money.
13. Have JL over, tie him to chair. Challenge him to come up with
new idea. Make liquid nitrogen and hammer clearly visible.
14. Buy a new curling iron and cool green platform shoes.
15. Practice bored look and flippant remarks for upcoming interview.
16. Pull mind-controlling slug-like alien attached to my spinal cord
off.
17. Pay the philosophers of their generation, Beavis & Butthead, to
say I'm cool.
18. Spread rumor in groupie circle that Gallon's has scrotal
elephantitis.
19. Laugh at "Old Yeller".
20. Send Mormon and Jehovah's Witness missionaries to Trond's.
21. Find another chick old enough to be my son's daughter.
22. Convince management that Renaissance album is good career move.
23. OR hire Dixie Dregs and do Southern Fusion album. Fire them.
Gee, I always wanted to cover "Freebird".
24. Ascend to my rightly position as Lord of the Hoary Netherworld.
25. Fire Rainbow. Smash Strat, and Candace's head through brick
wall. I love them both.
DISCLAIMER: ONLY A JOKE!!! FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY!!
DON'T OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY
OR ATTEMPT TO DRIVE AFTER READING THIS,
AS BOREDOM IS THE #1 HIGHWAY KILLER!!
MY NAME IS RICARDO FREDMORE DEMORANVILLE GITLIN!!!!
----
Subject: The Last Blackheart
From: "Mark Cantin"
Date: 1996/12/12
Message-ID: <90074DD3552@befac.indstate.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.music.deep-purple
FROM THE DESK OF RITCHIE BLACKHEART
THINGS TO DO TODAY:
1. Tap into the Social Security-aided old widow neighbor lady's TV cable.
2. Put out claymore mines for squirrel problem.
3. Write to my brother, Cigarette Man, the X-Files star.
4. Send condolences to RJD for the passing of his father, Tiny Tim.
5. Have an injunction ordered to prevent the release of "Blackheart
Meets The Care-Bears" film.
6. In my genealogical research, investigate the Rasputin side of the
family.
7. Complete my Yngwie Tribute album, "Perspirations".
8. Sue the manufacturers of the Troll Doll for modelling the hair
after my 70's style.
9. Shave my butt--time for additional hair transplants.
10. Change my codpiece and jerkin.
11. Continue my heinous child experiments to create the perfect
disciple.
12. Increase the peasant's taxes--whoops, wrong past-life.
13. Prepare Academy Award acceptance speech for my role in
"Twister".
14. Dispose of the human heads in the fridge.
15. Tell Mike Tyson that David Covergirl said he's gay.
16. Leave Gallon's phone number on truckstop bathroom wall.
17. Call OJ for "tips".
18. Get Mom a microwave right after her pacemaker implant.
19. Kick Mother Teresa's ass.
20. Hire Alex. Break Alex.
21. Drop a dollar into JLTs hat. Say hello to the organ-grinder,
too.
22. Smash a Fender Strato-Lute.
By Ricardo, Geoff, Alex, and Jeff. Cantin had nothing to do with
this whatsoever. Nada. So please, sue *us*!! Intended for
quasi-humorous/satiric purposes only. Do not read under the
influence of soporific drugs. Void where prohibited. Pregnant
women, please consult your physician. Only over 18 permitted.
Your mileage may vary.
---
From: "Mark Cantin"
Message-ID: <2B4E9FA3D75@befac.indstate.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 20:07:17 GMT
FROM THE DESK OF RITCHIE BLACKHEART
THINGS TO DO TODAY:
1. Inquire as to why my image won't show up on film or in a mirror
2. Focus light thru magnifying glass into my ant farm
3. Poor a gallon of vodka in aquarium
4. Watch "Best of Baby Seal Clubbing" video
5. Try to eliminate top-spin in my waterglass-toss
6. Sue Jeff Rinscheid
7. Use my Bobby Gervais alias, log onto AMDP, slag Purpendicular
8. Visit Blind Home, move furniture around
9. Yell "FIRE" in theatre full of old people
10. Tell nuns "nice rack, sister"
11. On second thought, I like their black habits. Borrow one.
12. Eat a bucket of beans before flight
13. Sue the producers of "X-Files" for using my image as Satan
14. Invite AMDPers backstage, have JLT and GH sub for me
15. Blind an albino corneal-transplant patient with my laser-pen
16. Award Roger with the "Croix de Blackheart" for enduring with me
longer than any other musician
17. Write "This is a stickup" on the back of a blank withdrawl slip
in bank's stack, replace in stack, sit back and watch
18. Sue "Bastard Magazine" for naming me "Man of the Year"
19. Fire Rainbow. Fire Stu for a joke, and then re-hire him. At
least he's loyal to me.
20. Smash Strat, throw into quadraplegic's row
SOMEBODY STOP ME BEFORE I GET SUED!! THIS IS OBVIOUSLY
A CRY FOR HELP!!! I'M A SICK, SICK MAN, NAMED, UH, JEFF!
YEAH, JEFF, THAT'S IT! ALL IN DUBIOUS FUN--SATIRE--PARODY!
DON'T OPERATE MACHINERY OR ATTEMPT TO DRIVE
AFTER READING THIS!!! RITCHIE IS *THE* MAN, AND MOPS
THE FLOOR WITH ALL PRETENDERS TO THE THRONE!!!
(Tell him I'm kidding, Stu! Please????)
Mark Cantin
Land of Corn, USA
"I believe that I must tell the truth,
Say things as they really are..."
Ian Gillan
From: Mark Cantin
Subject: Blackheart Lite
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 1995 11:57:50 GMT
Message-ID: <5B19ED345E0@befac.indstate.edu>
THINGS TO DO TODAY
I need to change my image. The members of AMDP are really slagging
me, so maybe they're right. How to make up for it? Hmmm......
1. Pick flowers for Mom
2. Help old lady across street
3. Give roadies a big raise, buy several kegs of Guiness for
Christmas Party
4. Tell Trond all is forgiven
5. Work in the homeless' soup kitchen
6. Buy Candice something nice to wear
7. Tell soccer opponents "Good game"!
8. Try to smile without herniating face
9. Write schmaltzy love ballad patterned after Bon Jovi, maybe even
bring JLT back for guest spot
10. Donate a pile of money to charity. Return toaster.
11. Burn all my black clothes, buy some white duds
12. Eat...whoops, make that "kiss" babies
13. Go to church...CHRISTIAN church
14. Drop all pending litigation, even against the bastard from the
Land of Corn.. errr, I respect his opinion, acknowlege the
right of free speech, and realize this was all satire.
15. Hell, play free concert in Land of Corn
16. Adopt a puppy, and not set it on fire if it pees on my carpet
17. Wish DP well, compliment Morse, make up with Ian
18. Give Stathis his interview, and invite Bobby Gervais over for
the weekend
19. Admit to my fans that I haven't put out my best effort lately
20. Lose my "rug"
21. Fire Rainbow
22. Smash a Strat
Whoops, I'm slipping! Ah, bollocks, who am I kidding, to hell with
this and f*** 'em all!! Disregard #1-20, except make #6 something leather.
I'M BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT TO WRITE THIS!!!
I HAVE TOURETTE'S SYNDROME AND CANNOT BE HELD
RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS!!! I'M UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF
SODIUM PENTATHOL ADMINISTERED BY AN ESCAPED NAZI
DOCTOR--NO, I MEAN ALIENS, YEAH, THAT'S IT!!
From: Mark Cantin
Newsgroups: alt.music.deep-purple
Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 17:42:11 GMT
Message-ID: <4F756F51CB1@befac.indstate.edu>
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1. Compile "The Absolute Best of Final Greatest Hits Recorded on a
Tuesday Vol. 1"
2. Look up "lout" and "boor" in Webster's
3. Get tattoo to show I'm still hip and cool
4. Change to Rap style--change name to Almighty B.
5. For a prank, have 100 pizzas delivered to Gillan
6. Fire Queen Elizabeth
7. Borrow Pagey's SS outfit for upcoming Israel tour
8. Arrange soccer match with Blind Paraplegic school
9. Void $1,00,000 check to Orphan's Fund as I have recieved the free
toaster
10. Approach Paul McCartney to serve as my roadie
11. If not, then hire starving Somalians as roadies--they're cheap
and easily replaced
12. Get wormed
13. Have Mum fix the Jag's transmission, have her do my laundry,
have the deadbeat pay back the $20 she owes me.
14. Sue the next person that calls me "litigious"
15. Cast voodoo spell on Morse
16. Rent "Faces of Death" video--I need some humor today
17. Fire Rainbow
18. Sacrifice a goat--or a roadie
19. Smash a Strat
JUST A JOKE!!! VERY BAD SATIRE!!! I'M BLOWING ANY CHANCE
OF GETTING BACKSTAGE, AREN'T I?? I'M A BIGGER JERK,
RITCHIE!!! DAVE H.---YOU CAN GET DP-DIGEST IN PRISON,
CAN'T YOU??
From: "Mark Cantin"
Subject: Blackheart is Back!!
Message-ID: <4E2A6870219@befac.indstate.edu>
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 21:01:01 GMT
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1. Learn to say "F*** you fans" in all European languages for
current tour.
2. Sue LucasFilms for using my likeness without permission. Re:
Darth Vader, "Star Wars". Same with Dr. Suess, re:"Grinch".
3. Pull wings off flies for sport
4. Catch flies with tongue
5. Fire my soccer team. Sometime they mean to li'l Witchie :-( !
6. Refuse to tour States, though I live there.
7. Fertilize hair
8. Flour-bomb old people
9. Visit hospital, pass out smokes to those in iron lungs.
10. Since I can't kill Trond, try to convert him to the Dark Side of
the Force. He is my son, after all.
11. Pry my head out of my a**
12. Smash Gillan with ANOTHER plate of spaghetti
13. Ask Gillan to join Rainbow
14. Fire Rainbow
15. Using my "Bobby Gervais" alias, spy on AMDP, say great things
about myself.
16. Sue Johnny Cash--I am the ONLY TMIB
17. Sue Halloween Mask company for using my likeness, and broom
company for hair-do similarities
18. Find that bastard from the Land of Corn
19. Purposely throw singer off-beat tonite
20. Smash a Strat. Hell, I'm in a good mood--smash two
STANDARD DISCLAIMER!!! I LOVE YOU RITCHIE!! CAN I STILL HAVE
A BACKSTAGE PASS!!! REALLY, I HAVE A "SYBIL" COMPLEX (SPLIT
PERSONALITY)!! UH, TROND PAID ME TO DO THIS, YEAH, THAT'S IT, YEAH,
IT'S TROND, YEAH....